What does it take

Posted on January 7th, 2008 by george.
Categories: food, humor, life.

To get a cone in this town?

There are no less than four McDonald’s within five miles of my house. Much like Wal-Mart, it is my express endeavour never to travel there. But once in a while, a guy gets a hankerin’ for something unhealthy to eat. I while I will never again eat any of their beef, there’s nothing quite like the soft serve they…serve.

So over the past week (since New Year’s Eve, actually, when the craving first hit) I have been trying to get my grubby little paws on an ice cream cone from Mickey D’s. The 24-hour establishment in Cape Canaveral claimed their machine is down (I’ve since checked back and it’s still down). Something about the only guy who knows how to service it being on vacation.

That same night I figured I’d try the McDonald’s down the street in Cocoa Beach, but they were closed. Added bonus: I got an erroneous speeding ticket on the way back home. In the long and sordid history of me and Johnny Law, this will be the first citation I show up in court to protest. It was New Year’s Eve, people. There were cops everywhere. I categorically deny even flirting with the speed limit. I honestly think the cop pulled over the wrong guy, or was just fishing. My radar detector didn’t go off. Not to mention she pulled up behind me with her lights on while I was at a red light. Stopped. And she claims I was doing 50 in a 35. Um, no.

Anyway, the ice cream! So two nights ago I figured I’d try my luck with the Mickey D’s on Merritt Island, also a 24-hour joint.

“Welcome to McDonald’s, can I help you?”

“Yes, I’d like a cone please.”

“A what?”

“A cone.”

Ten seconds of silence.

“I’m sorry, our machine is down.”

“That’s funny, so’s the one in Cape Canaveral. What’s going on here?”

“Um, I don’t know?”

“Well when are you gonna have it fixed?”

“I’m sorry sir, I don’t know.”

Fine. Thanks for nothin’.

All this brings us to this evening. As I mentioned earlier, I avoid Wal-Mart like the plague. But my new roommate Antonio (a co-op student from Puerto Rico) needed new flourescent lights and a shower curtain for his bathroom. What are ya gonna do? On the way there it dawned on me. Aha! This Wal-Mart has an in-house McDonald’s, for maximum this-is-the-depressing-state-of-America effect! My cone! I could almost taste sweet, creamy victory.

I should have taken a picture of the plaque with the photo of the manager. There are few more dispiriting things I have seen in this town. I waited ten minutes for the people in front of me (one guy was running the show, register, iced coffee, grill, fries and all), only to find out…

“I’m sorry, we don’t have an ice cream machine.”

“Well then what are the Oreo and M&M hoppers for?”

“We sell McFlurries here, but they arrive frozen and we have to blend them. They’re not like soft serve. We’re not like…a…real McDonald’s.”

It must not be in the stars for me to get this ice cream cone. Perhaps a few days from now the headlines will read:

Salmonella Outbreak in Merritt Island

CDC Sends Specialists to Pinpoint Origin

Dairy products suspected



Comment on January 7th, 2008.

Just so you know, Jason’s Deli has good ol’ soft serve. And so does IKEA.


Comment on January 7th, 2008.

hahahahaha. :-)


Comment on January 7th, 2008.

I second the Jason’s Deli…and your veins I am sure are glad you didn’t get the come despite your heart breaking!


Comment on January 7th, 2008.

Jason’s Deli is more like ice milk. At least the one in Cool Springs is. And IKEA is a good stopgap, but nothing beats the creaminess of Mickey D’s. Both points are moot, though, since there isn’t a Jason’s Deli or IKEA within hundreds of miles of my house. Merritt Island is a cultural desert, people.


Comment on January 7th, 2008.

Best Banana Splits ever, if you don’t mind driving into Melbourne for ice cream… this is where we used to go when I was growing up:



Comment on January 7th, 2008.

Jorge…. I have to admit that there is indeed something about the creamy fake ice cream at McDonald’s. It’s probably not even something that our body processes, but every once in a while….. who cares!!!?


Comment on January 7th, 2008.

Lorenia beat me to the Del’s Freeze suggestion. I LOVE that place!!! And they can dip the ice cream in chocolate!! Yum :)

And you’re wrong about there being a Jason’s Deli nowhere nearby. There’s one on 192 across from the mall.


Comment on January 7th, 2008.

Steve…I don’t know how I could have missed this for all these years, but…we share a body? Cool!

Fere, I stand corrected. There is a Jason’s Deli about fifty minutes from my house. Not that I would drive all the way there for their soft serve. Del’s, on the other hand, comes highly recommended by Yoye. So I think I might go tonight. Are you in town?


Comment on January 7th, 2008.

Hey, as long as it’s within 100 miles of your house (which it is), you are corrected :) Del’s Freeze is definitely fantastic. We used to go there all the time when I was a kid and we had first moved to Melbourne. They have good freezes, too :)

Naw, I’m not in town. Not sure when the next time I’m there will be. But you’re coming this weekend, right? My friend, Shirin, that you briefly met at SED will be here Saturday to see Maryam. I’m not getting ANY studying done this weekend. lol


Comment on January 8th, 2008.

Maybe that un’merit’ed ticket was precipitated by a disgruntled police woman because she too couldn’t get a cone on that island of yours!! ;P It’s sure not Coney Island!! Ha Ha!!


Comment on January 8th, 2008.

HAHAHA wow. Ladies and gentlemen, voila: the source of my cheesy punnery.

And for the record: last night I was in Melbourne, and found a McDonald’s with a working ice cream machine. After my first nip of that creamy confection, the words that escaped my lips were, “Oh, sweet heaven.” Anticipation, my friends, is a main ingredient in the recipe for ecstasy.


Comment on January 8th, 2008.

Fere, we used to go allll the time when I was a kid. It’s so crazy that it’s likely we crossed paths at one time or another!!!


Comment on January 8th, 2008.

Whoa. That’s blowing my mind. The Latin/American Jewish/Christian family and the Indian/Persian Baha’i family, brought together by the magic of frozen cream. I can see it playing in my head right now, like a movie! All soft focus and plaid bellbottoms and pigtails.


Comment on January 8th, 2008.

oh my my my… how much i enjoyed reading this, good sir. i can think of so many different times i’ve run the city ’round looking for something of such seemingly little importance, but at that moment completely meant the world to me.

i also loved the whole… “i need a fluorescent light bulb and a shower curtain…” and there’s only one obvious choice of where to go. wal-mart. it’s times like that i love to tell people in college a buddy of mine went into wal-mart to get a can of brasso and a coconut. the pairs of things that can be bought in that store… endless & ridiculous.

as for the soft serve… you didn’t ask, but i suggest you go here. if they tell you the machine is down then something is truly rotten in the state of denma.. i mean florida.


Comment on January 8th, 2008.

That is pretty crazy Lorenia! I wish there was some way to know if we had been sitting just a table or two away from each other. I have terrible pictures from when I was younger if you’re interested :)


Comment on January 9th, 2008.

You are SO right that anticipation is the best ingredient!

I have been craving French Silk Pie for weeks now, but it’ll probably be years before I’m near a Baker’s Square. By then, it will be the tastiest thing to ever touch my tongue…!

Toast for brekkie » Karma Police

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