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To get a cone in this town?
There are no less than four McDonald’s within five miles of my house. Much like Wal-Mart, it is my express endeavour never to travel there. But once in a while, a guy gets a hankerin’ for something unhealthy to eat. I while I will never again eat any of their beef, there’s nothing quite like the soft serve they…serve.
So over the past week (since New Year’s Eve, actually, when the craving first hit) I have been trying to get my grubby little paws on an ice cream cone from Mickey D’s. The 24-hour establishment in Cape Canaveral claimed their machine is down (I’ve since checked back and it’s still down). Something about the only guy who knows how to service it being on vacation.
That same night I figured I’d try the McDonald’s down the street in Cocoa Beach, but they were closed. Added bonus: I got an erroneous speeding ticket on the way back home. In the long and sordid history of me and Johnny Law, this will be the first citation I show up in court to protest. It was New Year’s Eve, people. There were cops everywhere. I categorically deny even flirting with the speed limit. I honestly think the cop pulled over the wrong guy, or was just fishing. My radar detector didn’t go off. Not to mention she pulled up behind me with her lights on while I was at a red light. Stopped. And she claims I was doing 50 in a 35. Um, no.
Anyway, the ice cream! So two nights ago I figured I’d try my luck with the Mickey D’s on Merritt Island, also a 24-hour joint.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, can I help you?”
“Yes, I’d like a cone please.”
Ten seconds of silence.
“I’m sorry, our machine is down.”
“That’s funny, so’s the one in Cape Canaveral. What’s going on here?”
“Um, I don’t know?”
“Well when are you gonna have it fixed?”
“I’m sorry sir, I don’t know.”
Fine. Thanks for nothin’.
All this brings us to this evening. As I mentioned earlier, I avoid Wal-Mart like the plague. But my new roommate Antonio (a co-op student from Puerto Rico) needed new flourescent lights and a shower curtain for his bathroom. What are ya gonna do? On the way there it dawned on me. Aha! This Wal-Mart has an in-house McDonald’s, for maximum this-is-the-depressing-state-of-America effect! My cone! I could almost taste sweet, creamy victory.
I should have taken a picture of the plaque with the photo of the manager. There are few more dispiriting things I have seen in this town. I waited ten minutes for the people in front of me (one guy was running the show, register, iced coffee, grill, fries and all), only to find out…
“I’m sorry, we don’t have an ice cream machine.”
“Well then what are the Oreo and M&M hoppers for?”
“We sell McFlurries here, but they arrive frozen and we have to blend them. They’re not like soft serve. We’re not like…a…real McDonald’s.”
It must not be in the stars for me to get this ice cream cone. Perhaps a few days from now the headlines will read:
Salmonella Outbreak in Merritt Island
CDC Sends Specialists to Pinpoint Origin
Dairy products suspected
Also: did you know there’s a website called Mr. Breakfast? Sweet!
If there’s one thing I’m learning about writing it’s that when inspiration strikes, you must strike back, while the iron is hot. Some of you are probably wondering after the whereabouts of that potentially controversial essay I planned to write on Thursday, the day Lazi got into a car accident that left her and her friend upside down, hanging from their seatbelts. Don’t worry, she’s ok. But you see how easy it is to get distracted? Now it’s three a.m. after a life-changing weekend and my head is full of five pages that I can’t afford to sacrifice sleep to commit to words. God forgive me, but I feel I must resort to the dreaded bullet list. Behold: as many highlights from the weekend as I can remember. Rest assured there are hundreds more my poor brain is already forgetting as the cup overfloweth.
Gather ’round the boob tube kids, and Timmy, don’t touch that dial: it’s time for another edition of everyone’s favorite game show, Where Are Your Priorities?
Alright, everyone. Raise your hands if you’ve heard of Lindsey Lohan.
Now here comes the tough one. Raise your hand if you’ve heard of Norman Borlaug.
*someone snores in the background*
Ah well, don’t worry. He was only just awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor. This after already being presented with the Presidential Medal of Freedom and the Nobel Peace Prize. What makes ol’ Norman so special? Besides being one of only five people in history to garner all three of these awards? Well, he saved a few human lives. How many, you ask? Only a billion. A few more than any other human in history.
But whatever. OMG I heard Lindsay just went to jail!
I awoke this morning to a text message from my coworker, Kevin. That’s strange. I’ve never received a text from him before. Here’s what it said.
My daughter Tara took this 4 your blog
Awesome. I must have made an impression that time I had dinner with them and took photos of the food. Thanks Tara!